The Death of Big Bird

Mom didn't want James and I sitting on the stoop at night. But, being thirteen there weren't many things to do on summer nights in Brooklyn. James was older so he'd go hang out with his friends on the avenue. Josepha, from across the street, kept me company.

Mom had recently let me start shaving my legs. I showed them off by wearing shorts everyday; if I couldn't find a pair of clean shorts I'd wear a skirt with Keds and bobby socks. I was tanned only up to mid thigh. It didn't matter, I wasn't allowed to go to the beach if it wasn't with mom, and she had to work weekdays and run errands on weekends.

Sundays were for church.

Our neighborhood, Park Slope-- The Slope, used to be all immigrants. Now it was the children of the immigrants. In the building next to us was an Italian family, in the other lived the O' Haras. Downstairs was a family of Mexicans that recently came to the States. Mom baby-sat for the lady's son.

I sat on the stoop watching the little kids play while I waited for Josepha, she was late.

Thirteen had benefits. Mom recently let me start going to the movie theater in Sunset Park--two miles and three subway stops away. We took the subway over by ourselves. Mom figured that in September I'd have to take the train to school anyway. I was going to high school in Manhattan.

Three young girls were playing hop scotch on the sidewalk in font of me. They used a piece of broken plate for chalk. Down the street, over the expressway, the sun was starting to set. It was bright orange and heavy unlike the air, in summer it was always light and clear. Unbelievably light and sweet for the city. It had to do with the trees. The few there were had all their dark green leaves.

The sun was almost gone, it gave the asphalt a funny dark gray color against all the bright red and white cars that were parked in front of  the buildings: Cadillacs, Dodges, Toyotas and a few Monte Carlos.  A few of the moms start calling their kids in. It was a mess of names: Maria, Teresa, Jonathan, Sarah, and a really pissed off mom with a slight accent, "David Sean Miller, get your ass in here! NOW!" Repeated like a chorus of tiny voices, "ah ma, just ten more minutes!"

I looked at my watch then across the street. Where the hell is she?  The bass in the stereo from a car still over a block and a half away bounced off every glass. I wondered how bad it must've been sitting inside the car. The quickest way to deafness. It was a hip-hop song that was playing every ten minutes on the radio.

The guys in the car drove by slowly thinking they were cool. Those were the worst kind of guys. They said stupid shit to me. I just turned my head away and ignored them. I bet they thought I was sixteen or seventeen. 

Mike was across the street and crossed over. He lived in the same building as Josepha. My heart went to my throat. He was walking my way. "Yo, what's up?" he said. In Brooklyn people don't answer. They kinda just nod their head like I did. "Josepha's gonna be here in a while. She got cawght up in some stuff. She invited us too. She said it was cool wit yous." I nodded. Mike had bright green eyes, light brown curly hair, rosy cheeks and the cutest Brooklyn accent. It was cool with us but it wouldn't be cool with mom.

I looked up to our third story window to make sure she wasn't looking out like she sometimes did. I saw the shadow of her body and the ironing board. Good, she was busy.  Mike went to elementary school with me. We were in the same "gifted" program from K- sixth grade. Then we were put in the same Junior High classes. I hated him then. He tortured me with the Indian rope burn, called me cry baby and other names. His favorites were the characters from Sesame Street, he called Josepha Ernie. Then in eighth, I don't know, he got cute and...friendly. 

Josepha showed up after Mike's friends Richard and Greg. They were talking about the WWF last Saturday afternoon and were boring the hell out of me. They still believed professional wrestling was real! But I couldn't say anything to diss them. It wasn't even a year since I stopped playing with my Barbie dolls. 

Josepha looked pissed. Her lips were two thin, pink lines. She had a huge zit in the middle of her forehead. "Yo, Unicorn!" Mike said to her. He laughed his squeaky laugh and curled up to get ready for Josepha's punch that definitely came. It landed in the middle of his back in a hollow boom.

Mike said stuff that made us angry; it's what the rest of us wanted to say but didn't have the balls to.  She glared at him. She didn't give people a warning. If we said something to her we watched our backs. If not we'd wake up ten minutes later wondering what happened. “Let's go. We're gonna be late cause a yous. I don't wanna miss the movie." Josepha's accent wasn't as bad, she still pronounced th like a d: dis, dat and dere. It wasn't our fault. Everyone talked like that, even our teachers. Josepha's accent clicked on and off to impress the guys. 

We went up the block in our small group. My side of the street was mostly brownstones. When we got near the avenue there were three garages. Oil spots were on the sidewalk form the cars they fixed out side when it was too hot to be indoors. I avoided stepping on them, even the dry ones. Some of the older kids played handball against the garage walls at night when they closed.

James was playing with Carmine and two girls.  “Where you going?" he asked. 

"To the movies. Ma knows." I didn't like him talking to me like that when I was with my friends. He did it to show off in front of the guys. He tossed the bright blue ball to Mike's sister, Amparo, she smiled at me and winked. She was the only one of the older girls that talked to me, the others acted like we were invisible.

James was always saying that Amparo had beautiful eyes and a great ass. I looked at her and then at him. He did a funny shift with his eyes, like saying, keep your smart-ass mouth shut. They stopped playing to let us pass.  Once clear, I heard Amparo say, "three up! Our serve!" Then the plop-clip of the ball as it hit the brick wall and the floor.

We went around the corner and down the stairs to the subway.  The air from outside didn't penetrate the subways. The tunnels had a strong metallic smell. It reminded me of trips to Coney Island during the summer and visiting dad in The Bronx on weekends. In summer the smell was stronger and seemed to stick to our clothes like bad cigerettes. 

Josepha and Mike went to buy tokens. I waited for them with Richy and Greg by the turnstile. Mom had given me two tokens. She bought ten packs of them once a week for her ride to work. She handed one of them to me, held the other up and said, “remember, even if you lose your money, one of these will always take you home." Then she placed it in my hand.

"You got money for the movie, right?" She had asked before I left, I told her I did from the money that dad gave me. He gave James and I fifty dollars a month spending money. James saved most of his for expensive sneakers. I used most of mine for video games, candy and movies. When we were in school it didn't go as fast as during summer. Doing nothing can use up a lot of money. 

I placed my token in the thin slot and crossed the turnstile. I looked down the tunnel in the direction from where the train was supposed to come. Josepha tapped my shoulder. "Hey, Big Bird, is it coming?"

“Nuh-uh," I said.

Big Bird was the pet name I got in fifth grade. I don't know who started it, Mike most likely, but it caught on. Only my closest friends called me Big Bird any one else who did got clobbered. I know why it came about. I was tall and lanky looking, like a funny lizard standing on it's rear feet. At that awkward age my nose was fully grown though I wasn't. Mom had this thing for dressing me in yellow. I was glad that it was Big Bird and not banana or something. 

While we waited we talked about which movie we were going to see. The theater in Sunset Park was always a few weeks behind the rest so we weren't too enthusiastic about seeing something great. The idea was to go somewhere outside of the Slope. “Why don't we just fuck it and go to Manhattan?” Mike asked. 

“Yeah, right. We'll get back by mid-night," Josepha said. 

"No we won't. Look it's what... seven? We take the F train to Manhattan, that takes fifteen minutes, watch a movie around seven-thirty, we'll be back by ten--easy." Mike made it seem so simple. 

"That's if the trains run back to back, if we don't miss 'em and they aren't late," Josepha was hard to convince. She had something to say for everything. I sort of wanted to go to Manhattan. It would be an adventure. But if Josepha wasn't going then I wouldn't go either... couldn't go. 

“They run well at this hour. It's a weekday, come on! Are you a pussy? You're going to high school in a month. You're stupid or something. We'll keep it in the down low. Come on, it'll be dope!" 

"I don't know." She was almost convinced. "Manhattan at night is pretty dangerous." 

“There'll be hundreds of people out on the street." Mike smiled. He had perfectly straight teeth, his braces had been off a few weeks before. She said okay and looked at me, I nodded.

"Done then!" 

We got into Manhattan before eight, just like Mike said we would. I'd never been to Manhattan without mom or dad. We got off on forty second street and walked up to Broadway. I breathed in the excitement from the air. Tourists crowded the streets and small shops filled with souvenirs.

Josepha and I browsed in one while the guys bought the newspaper in a news stand across the street. There was a section of dirty postcards. One of them had a bunch of nude butts and on the bottom in a neon pink script it said, "I Love New York". The Chinese man behind the counter stared at us then said in one breathe, "hey, you. You no buy, you go! This no library. This no store for hanging ow." He had a few pens on the counter in a clear container with one dollar scrawled on it in black marker. I had more than enough money in my pocket for the movie. I took a red pen that had the New York sky line on it. I handed him two dollars. He rang it up and put the change on the counter so I could pick it myself.

"Chink," Josepha mumbled in the same way she always did when she was ready for a fight. We left the store and crossed the street and joined the guys, they were looking through the newspaper in front of the stand. "Well?"

"There's a few choices," Rich said. "We can go see The Fly, Friday the Thirteenth, A Nightmare on Elm Street, or Back to the Future." We looked around us to see which theater was the closest and which was showing one of the movies. A Nightmare was playing in almost every theater in sight. We crossed Broadway to the nearest theater. The movie started at eight and ran an hour and a half. If everything went how it was supposed to go we'd be in Park Slope by ten-thirty.

Josepha bought the tickets. Five bucks seemed like so much to go see a movie. That was the only thing that sucked about being thirteen, we couldn't get things for half price anymore. We sat near the back of the theater. Josepha sat near the aisle by Greg.  I sat between Rich and Mike. The movie didn't start until eight-fifteen because of the commercials and previews.

Mike entertained himself by scaring me through the movie: The guy walked down the hall in Freddie's run down, nightmare house of horrors. With every open door I sat closer to the edge of my seat. The music got tense. Freddie was going to appear any moment. My nerves were tight springs ready to let loose, once Mike knew I was at that point-- by my expression -- he suddenly grabbed my shoulders. I screamed and angry faces turned our way. I slapped Mike on the arm. "Stop!" But he did it in every part of the movie, every ten minutes the theater echoed with one of my squeals.

We got up as soon as the screen faded to black. I hit the little green light button on my digital watch. It was five of ten! "Guys it's ten o'clock. We'll never make it in time. My mom'll be shittin' bricks!" 

Josepha pushed through the crowd and made room for us. Adults looked at us angrily. A lady told Josepha, "get some manners!"

“Fuck off!" Josepha pushed by her and we followed. Mike and I laughed. The lady looked startled.

We jogged to forty-second street. "There's no way we're gonna make it before our parents start getting suspicious," I said. We ran down the stairs, avoiding a bum who was sleeping on the steps.

“Let's call ‘em and say there's problems with the train." Mike's idea sounded good.

We each took a quarter and went to the public phones in the upper level of the train station. There were six phones next to each other. An older man was using one and of course, mine didn't work. I waited impatiently until Josepha got off hers and called mom.

"Where are you?" she asked. I told her we were calling from the phones in the pizzeria a couple of blocks up from the theater and that there was construction in the subway and the trains were running delayed. "Okay, do you know how long you’ll be?" I said I didn't know but that I'd be home before eleven. "I'm so glad you called. You are showing a lot of responsibility. You're more responsible than James... anyway I'll let you go. Take care of yourself and if there any more problems with the train call me! God bless you, honey."

"See ya in a while." I hung up. The others were already done with their calls.

We hurried down to the third level and took our train home. If we wouldn't have called we would have been in deep shit. We didn't reach Brooklyn until ten-thirty.

Josepha and I sat on one side of the car and the guys sat facing us. There were a couple more people in our car. They sat in the other end minding their business like typical New Yorkers. The air conditioner helped dry the sweat that had build up on my back from the jog to the subway and lying to mom. Talking in the train was like trying to talk with music blaring. We had to get really close to the person and yell over the squeaking and cracking of the wheels .

The F train went above ground for three stops in Brooklyn. I got up and looked out the window by one of the doors. I realized someone stood next to me looking out. It was Mike. "So you're going to Comm. Arts next year?" I said yeah. "So am I." I knew that. "Maybe we can start hangin' out more. You know, being that we're going to be in the same school." I mentioned that we could take the train together in the morning.

"Yeah, that's cool. I don't know anyone else who's going to Comm. Art from our school. Maybe we'll be in homeroom together."

“Or some classes." I smiled. I looked out the window to downtown Brooklyn. From up here Brooklyn looked flat. The highest building was the four faced clock with it's bright green dials in the older part of Brooklyn. It was ten-forty.

I unfocused from the city and focused on his reflection on the glass. He was doing the same thing.

The train stopped and in a muffled voice the conductor announced, "Forth-Avenue. Smith-Ninth street. Change here for the R going uptown Brooklyn, and downtown Brooklyn and Manhattan." Our stop. We got off. We could have gone downstairs and taken the R train one stop to where we lived, but we decided to walk the eight blocks which was quicker.

The guys walked ahead of Josepha and I. "What's up with you and Mike?" I knew she was going to bring it up. "You guys were together a lot today."

"I don't know. We're going to the same high school together. It's nothing, you act stupid about it. So what's up with you and Richy?" I said. She hated Richy.

“Fuck you, bitch!" she punched but not as hard as she did with Mike. She hugged me and said, "Big Bird's got a boyfriend!"

“I don't want anyone calling me Big Bird anymore,” I said.

“Why not? You never cared before. What's up with it now?"

"We’re going to high school now. I'm gonna be fourteen in September. Call me Liz or Lissy. No more Big Bird."

“Big Bird's cool!"

The guys were standing in the corner waiting for us. "Liz, Ernie, hurry up!" Mike yelled. We walked quickly to them and crossed the street to our block before the light changed.

James was still playing handball with his friends. They stopped playing while we passed. "How was the movie, Lissy?" James asked. I told him what movie it was and said it was okay. "A bit late for you to be getting back from Sunset Park?"

"Ma knows," I said.

Once we passed, Carmine threw the ball against the wall. Amparo received it. She had tied her blouse in a knot under her breast to show off her tight, tanned stomach. She looked at me and smiled, "hey Lissy, did Mike tell you?", Mike turned red and crossed the street. Rich, Greg and Josepha followed him. Josepha gave me a little wave good-bye.

"Hey, Mike you're really pussy aren't you?" Amparo yelled over at him without missing her swing at the ball. It bounced against the top half of the wall and James slammed it back again. “I heard your going to Comm. Arts in September. I'll be a senior, I can show you around. You wanna play ball? James can show you." Ker-plop, her hand slammed against the ball. She pushed a wisp of hair away from her face. "Right, James?"

James looked at her and nodded. Sweat dripped down his forehead and into his thick brows. He was paying more attention to the game because of Carmine's brutal returns. "Come on,sis," She said nicely. I wondered what strange bug bit her.

"It's late. I have to go home."

"Another time, then. How 'bout tomorrow. We're going to Coney Island. We're meeting at the train station on ninth at ten. Can you come?" Ker-plop.

James wasn't into our conversation. He was still trying to field off Carmine's passes. "James'll be there.

Your mom'll let you come. See you tomorrow, then?" I said yes and jogged home.

I rang the doorbell. Mom came down the stairs in her bathrobe and let me in. I followed her up to our apartment. "I'm glad you called or I would've been worried. Is your brother out there?"

"Yeah," I sat on the couch and took my shoes off and watched the news. The TV was a nineteen inch black and white. Mom refused to buy another as long as it was working. The picture flicked every two minutes, the newsman sounded hollow and far away but we had to deal with it. I wiggled my toes. "Mom, can I go with Amparo to Coney Island tomorrow?" It was better to ask her when she was ticked at James.

"Who's Amparo?"

“She's the older sister of a friend of mine. She's sixteen. She knows James."

"Who else is going?" She sat at the table. She was drinking her nightly cup of coffee with milk.

“James, and a few other of his friends. Probably my friend too." I hoped he would. Amparo never mentioned anything about Mike.

She sipped and nodded. "You showed you're responsible. More responsible than that brother of yours. Maybe some of your that'll rub off on him." She took another sip, "and if I hear him protest that he doesn't want you going along tell him I ordered you to. Besides, it was a friend of your's that invited you. He has no business telling you no." She drank the last of her coffee and went to the kitchen to rinse off the cup. I listened as she turned off the faucet and the cup clinked in the dish drainer.

She came back into the living room and kissed my forehead. "Goodnight," she said and went to her room. I watched Johnny Carson while waiting for James to come in.

He entered a minute before mid-night, his curfew. He sat next to me and took off his sneakers. The vinegar stink filled the room.

"I know you guys went somewhere else," he said. I tried to look like I didn't know what he was talking about. "You look guilty. Besides Elm Street isn't playing in Sunset. I was there for a matinee yesterday. I don't care. Don't worry I'm not gonna rat on you.”

I was surprised. The reason for his existence was to get me in deep shit with mom. "I did the same thing when I was thirteen. We gotta be up by eight to get to the station on time. Gonna get ready for bed."

After he showered, we watched the end of Carson and Letterman. After fighting sleep for half an hour he finally gave in during the stupid dog tricks. I was wide awake when he went to his room. I watched Friday night videos and feel asleep on the couch during the late movie, something about some small Japanese islands and Godzilla. 

I couldn't wait until the morning.