It's been 34 years since the first Christmas without my mom.

The feeling I remember the most is how alone I felt. My brother had left for the Marines and had completed basic training. He was living in San Diego. My step father was in NYC living in our old home. My dad was somewhere in the Dominican Republic or NYC, I was never sure. Even though I was living with my mom's family in Puerto Rico and surrounded by aunts, uncles and cousins I felt empty. Everyone around me had both their parents. I essentially had none.

Christmas Eve, 1988.  I remember sitting in the dark living room of my aunt and uncle's house.  I was living with them now.  The past five months had been surreal.  I felt like I had spent the time in a fog.  It was reality but it wasn't.  I was in school just following the motions.  I missed my old high school - Brooklyn Tech - and I missed my old life.  The one major solace was sharing a room with my cousin.  Growing up we were always very close.  She was like my sister.

My step-dad had come to visit, he even dressed up like Santa and handed out the gifts at the family party at my oldest aunt's house.  Later I found out he was there for nefarious reasons.  He was interested in seeing if there was any property owned by mom (gifted from my grandad) that he could lay claim to.  He was shot down pretty fast by my family.  He left without what he was looking for and my contact with him after that was minimal.

I'd see friends with their parents and feel a pang of jealousy and missing out.  In college, parents weekend was spent watching classmates getting spoiled and embarrassed and wondering, what if?  I learned to push the feelings down. I grew up used to not having my dad around.  In time, I got used to not having mom around either.  I learned to fend for myself and take care of things on my own.  That caused a host of other issues, but that discussion is for another day - I promise.

Many times I wonder what life would have been like if she would still be alive.

I know that in general, the path that my life took would have been very different.  But what if I had my current life and she could be a part of it? She would have turned 80 this year, an abuelita with four grandkids.  What kind of grandmother would she have been?  What kind of mom to her adult kids?  As a kid, I always felt weird because she was so much older that the other kids' moms.  She was 32 when I was born.  "Old" by 1970s standards.  So she would have been the older grandmother as well.  Maybe set in her ways like some of my aunts and uncles.  People perceived her as quiet and reserved.  Maybe still the same but doting over her grandkids?  I could see that.  

I tend not to live in the what-ifs, but it's harder during the holidays.  Anyone who's had a parent or close relative pass understands well. We live our lives and putter along and through time their absence is part of our lives. It's the big event years and anniversaries that make us stop and reflect.  80 years old.